Mom with No Plan is a first time mommy who didn’t realize she was pregnant until two days before giving birth to her daughter. When she’s not juggling her newfound journey of motherhood she’s blogging about it. She enjoys a daily cup of coffee, occasional glass of wine, and spending time with her family.
Postpartum was really hard.
I found it difficult to process the fact that I had unknowingly carried a baby for almost nine months and had her within 48 hours after finding out. I was trying to adjust to my unexpected role of a mother to a newborn I had zero preparation for.
Even though I was happy that my daughter was born, it was surprising and left me amazed that I had been pregnant all along. Thankfully and despite having no prenatal care, she was born healthy.
But there was also sadness in the fact that my life didn’t go according to the plan that I had for myself. It was embarrassing and I felt foolish for not knowing I had been pregnant. I was scared that my partner, her father, would leave me because he wasn’t ready for fatherhood or stay with me out of obligation.
I had irrational fears and my anxiety had never been higher. Sleep deprived and easily irritated, I was constantly frustrated because I had no clue what I was doing and desperately wanted to get things right the first time. Everything felt like it was magnified by ten.
My partner, my friends, and my family were doing their best to help. Their support prevented me from drowning in my own sea of postpartum. I was just tired of frantically swimming. I didn’t want to “barely” survive. I wanted to thrive.
So I Sought Out Postpartum Therapy
In the comfort of my own home, while my daughter was sleeping, I was able to release my daily struggles with my therapist. We met twice a week and that allowed me to talk about how silly I felt sniffling over a Pampers commercial. I could vent about my annoyance that my body felt exhausted doing things that before weren’t so exhausting. I could share my personal fears and fears I have for my daughter as she grows.
Therapy has allowed me to process my feelings associated with the birth and daily care of my daughter. It has pushed me to be kind to myself when I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I continue to go to postpartum therapy and look forward to my weekly meetings. In my first session, my therapist asked me what my goal of therapy was. I told her it was to become secure enough in my motherhood to not need it. She told me that she looked forward to that day.
I can’t wait to get there, one therapy session at a time.