by Laura Onstot
We all wonder who our kids will be when they grow up. Are they the next president? Will they finally wipe their own butt? Are they going to stay up forever and subsist only on Kraft Mac-n-Cheese?
These questions deserve answers. And so, after 6 years of fieldwork, observing these creatures in the wild, I present to you annotated field notes I’ve collected and provide predictions for the future.
The Kid Who Eats Mulch:
It doesn’t matter what kind of mulch- pine needles, black mulch, the red kind- this kid eats it all. Sometimes they eat a rock for good measure. This child will grow up to be a vegan, sticking to rough textures, like kale. They won’t ever need Metamucil as their diet is full of, what we medical people call, roughage. They will forage for their food and make ideal candidates for the show, “Naked and Afraid.”
The Kid Who Eats Snacks 95% of the Time:
When this kid goes off to kindergarten, they will bring along a lunch bag and a separate bag for their snacks, full of fruit snacks, a container of ranch dressing, and one carrot. This kid subsists off of Kraft Mac N Cheese and Dino Nuggets, and they like Ketchup on everything. They won’t grow up to be a connoisseur of fine cuisine, but they very well may be a connoisseur of Lean Cuisine. Eh, maybe not, no one likes Lean Cuisine. But their love for Kraft Mac N Cheese will never fade. They will be the people who shoot commercials for snacks, but rather than using the spit bucket between takes, they will simply eat all of the snacks.
The Kid Who Refuses to Do Anything but the Swings:
Of course, this kid hasn’t figured out the whole pumping legs thing, so the mom will also be stuck at the swings, in direct sunlight and sweltering heat. Don’t the people who design parks think of these things? These little humans are high maintenance, requiring lots of attention and maintenance by other people. They are the future Kim Kardashian’s of the world.
The Kid Who Hides in the Middle of the Tunnel Slide, Providing an Awkward Encounter for Anyone Who Comes Down the Slide:
This kid is a pro at forcing friendships. If you can’t find a friend, just create a trap. This kid would make a great astronaut- thriving while being enclosed in small spaces with other people for long periods of time.
The Imagination Kid:
The park is a castle- their castle. These are the future actors of the world. Expect to see them in drama club in high school. Whether or not anyone else can see it, they have a vision that they will follow, starting with the top tower of the park being the dungeon where Rapunzel is being held captive.
The Kid Who Introduces Self to Every Single Human at the Park:
Future politicians of the world, these ambitious, outgoing humans are already campaigning, building up a massive group of tiny followers. I’m not sure how they have amassed such a following, but fear they are already following the shady rules of politics, bribing their followers with fruit snacks.
Kid Who Insists on Climbing Things That Shouldn’t be Climbed:
Watch out. These little humans will sport a cast at some point in their lives. Obviously, these daredevils will either climb Mount Everest or be tight rope walkers across canyons. And it all started on the rock wall at the park, as all the parents stared in horror when they noticed that the little 2-year-old somehow made it to the top without anyone noticing.
Kid Who Mops Slides Off with their Butt When No Towel is Available:
Future super-heroes of the world, these kids get things done. Quickly. They know the impact a dry slide can have on the rest of society, and selflessly take one for the team.
Whether you have a mulch eater or a butt mopper, your child’s future is full of potential. Give yourself a pat on the back; you created this little genius.
Laura Onstot, Author
Nomad’s Land Blog
@LauraOnstot | www.nomadsland.blog | Email
|Laura Onstot, registered nurse and mom of 2 young kids, rarely pees alone, only frequents restaurants with Kraft Mac N Cheese, and blogs at Nomad’s Land. In her spare time, she can be found sleeping on the couch while she lets her kids watch endless episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Her parenting advice is questionable, but at least she’s honest.|