by Laura Onstot | Laura Onstot, registered nurse and mom of 2 young kids, rarely pees alone, only frequents restaurants with Kraft Mac N Cheese, and blogs at Nomad’s Land. In her spare time, she can be found sleeping on the couch while she lets her kids watch endless episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Her parenting advice is questionable, but at least she’s honest.
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You know how drug companies have to include the risks of their medications in commercials, read at the end of the commercial at super speed? “If you take this medicine, your balls might shrink. You might grow three horns out of your left toe. And of course, you might die.”
While I do appreciate these mandatory disclosures… they aren’t exactly shockers.
What I would appreciate more is if there were mandatory disclosures for parents on products marketed toward kids. This would give us parents a chance to pause, a chance to think about whether purchasing the item is a wise move.
Warning: This bottle looks cute, but it is not. It will become your worst nightmare, when your child finds a way to dump this bottle. It will spread, like the plague. You will think you have it contained but when you look up from your frantic efforts to contain the glitter, you will find that your child has been busy grabbing handfuls and sprinkling them throughout the house. It will travel, on the bottom of sticky feet, to every possible location. It will dust your finest clothing, adding a sheen that you can never get rid of. Your Dyson vacuum can pick up a bowling ball. But it sure as hell won’t be able to pick up this glitter.
You will find it in your child’s butt crack when changing their diaper. Doc McStuffins would diagnose your child with a case of glitter-tosis. Incurable. Terminal.
This product may cause your house to sparkle like never before, and not in a good way. Some people experience extreme annoyance, causing them to act rashly, throwing away children’s art projects which in turn, causes the child to cry.
If any of these effects last or get worse, give up.
Glitter infiltration may become so extreme that it will be best to sell your house and everything it contains, including but not limited to: clothing, couches, and your children.
Warning: This seems like a good idea, but it’s not. CLOSE THE LID. Your child is about to break this ball of dough into 12 billion pieces, which they will drop throughout the kitchen, and squish into their highchair. They will roll it so thin, it will become a part of the kitchen table. And the creations they make will be adorable. Just kidding. Since when has a kid ever made anything adorable out of Play-Doh?
This product may destroy your $1,200 vacuum cleaner. To avoid this, don’t be an idiot and vacuum it right away. It will only squish underneath the weight of your vacuum cleaner, becoming clogged in that spinner thing that is ordinarily a hair magnet. Wait until it dries. Then you can try to vacuum it. But it will break into smaller pieces. If you don’t get them all, do not fret, your child may decide to eat them (they are non-toxic) as a pre-snack appetizer.
If you feel a chunk squish beneath your toes while walking, do not attempt to remove it. Just keep going. The battle is lost – accept your fate of Play-Doh feet.
Warning: Your child can and will use these to deface every surface known to man, including but not limited to, their body, your body, and the cat. If your child appears to have blood dripping from their mouth, fear not – they were just sucking on the red marker. Don’t worry. It’s non-toxic. Do not panic if your child appears to have jaundice. They just colored their eyeballs with the yellow marker.
The label “washable” may or may not be accurate, depending on the value of whatever has been defaced.
Once your child finishes destroying everything they can think of, they will not put the caps back on, and the markers will promptly dry out. Plan on buying a new box each time you want to use markers. If they do put a cap on a marker, you can count on the fact that it will be the wrong color of cap, confusing generations to come.
The bottom line is that products marketed to kids have the potential to be dangerous – for parents. That’s why there should be mandatory disclosures on those products. So, be on high alert out there, in the aisles of Target. Skip the glitter and buy another candle instead.