by Laura Onstot | Laura Onstot, registered nurse and mom of 2 young kids, rarely pees alone, only frequents restaurants with Kraft Mac N Cheese, and blogs at Nomad’s Land. In her spare time, she can be found sleeping on the couch while she lets her kids watch endless episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Her parenting advice is questionable, but at least she’s honest.
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All parents have products that they consistently use, and all parents have specific notes they’d like to give to the companies of those products. If not to help them make those beloved products better, then to at least let them know that parents have certain criteria that we’d like met in the future. Here are 6 love notes that every parent wishes they could send.
Have you considered following Crayola’s suit and making a “washable” form of your ketchup and mustard? From a business perspective, you could jack up the prices on the washable forms of your product. And I? I could quit holding my breath as my daughter shovels ketchup into her mouth with her hands. Win-win.
I would be willing to pay extra if you would just send me the product pre-built. My four-year-old can’t find the tiny blue piece, and I think it is embedded in my butt. We’ve been working on this for four hours, and I’ve gotta say, it hasn’t been a positive bonding experience. She never lets me get creative, and doesn’t accept my shortcut ideas. She says we must follow the directions exactly. Which would be fine… if there wasn’t a piece stuck in my ass. Anyway, please send help. And a fully built product.
I see you have been in existence since 1903. Congratulations! Your slogan could be “making crayons that break since 1903.” My child cannot color with a broken crayon, for fear that her soul will break too. Could you, perhaps, put together a team to design a crayon that will not break? It’s time, Crayola.
Dear Golden Books:
Could you please cut your word count by half? My throat gets dry by page two. Starting on page three, I only read the first and last sentence of the page. On page six, the kids are confused about the plotline, and I am ready for bed. It’s never a happy ending because I usually have to kill off a character somewhere in there to smooth out the choppy plotline created by only reading the first and last sentences. We all go to bed sad. I realize this isn’t your fault, but if your word count is shorter, this won’t happen.
Dear Nutrigrain Bars:
It is as if you created your bars to get squished in their packaging. BUT NO ONE WANTS A SQUISHED BAR. There are so many crumbs. And the combination of crumb and stickiness is the perfect hell for a parent. It’s like the product was developed by ants, for ants. Please consider creating better packaging; or market your product to ant farms.
Have you considered making a glue product? Any time a soggy wheatie falls on the kitchen floor, by the time I bend down to pick it up, it has hardened and bonded itself to the floor. It is impossible to remove, which is why we have 12 Wheaties as a permanent addition to our kitchen floor. Our interior designer recommended I match our kitchen curtains to them. Now, I no longer pull out the hot glue gun when a toy breaks. I dip a Wheatie in milk, put it between the broken pieces, and press. It is way more effective- the fiber bumps in Wheaties give it more grip, unlike the smooth hot glue that often peels right off. Just some food for thought.
These are the love notes that every parent wishes they could send. And while this a humorous way to let companies know how parents really feel, I’m sure it will remain as such and go nowhere. Tomorrow will be another ketchup stained shirt to wash. The day after will be another Lego stuck up my bum, and the following day, will still be about finding broken crayons under every piece of furniture I own. At least, I hope I made you giggle with these love notes.