by Laura Onstot | Laura Onstot, registered nurse and mom of 2 young kids, rarely pees alone, only frequents restaurants with Kraft Mac N Cheese, and blogs at Nomad’s Land. In her spare time, she can be found sleeping on the couch while she lets her kids watch endless episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Her parenting advice is questionable, but at least she’s honest.
If you think you have the April holidays covered, think again. April is not just about Easter and Ramadan. There are other important days that must be added to the planner that you never use. Or maybe pencil them in on the family calendar that nobody else reads.
Here are the ten April holidays I intend to use to skip that PTA meeting!
April 2: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 2nd is a celebration of the 2,555 minutes you spend each year, spreading peanut butter onto bread. The peanut butter inevitably migrates up the knife handle, transferring to your thumb, and then needs to be washed off because you, like everyone else, have sensory issues. A blob of jelly will find its way to the counter, blending in with the black marble. Unsuspecting guests lean on the counter, only to pull their hands away with month-old jelly that was a permanent part of the counter and is now a permanent part of them.
To celebrate, let your children stick their hands into the peanut butter jar, coating them. Then, put a blob of jelly on top of their hands. Then let them, nay, order them, to smear it on your bedspread, every one of your tampons, and your Bichon Frise. Celebrate the joy of peanut butter and jelly, one brown smear at a time.
Peanut allergies? Not to worry.
April 2nd is also “International Children’s Book Day”
A day when we celebrate the plot-less books that children love. Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see? I see a mom ready to blow her head off because this is the fifty-millionth time she’s reading this book! If the little blue truck wasn’t an idiot and hadn’t driven into the mud puddle, the whole book could have been avoided. If you give a mouse a cookie, your house will become infested with mice.
Let your kid pick out their favorite book and read it together, 37 times, to celebrate.
April 7th: National Beer Day, National Burrito Day, World Health Day, AND, not to be forgotten, National No Housework Day.
These holidays have been clumped together for the ultimate celebration of health: drink beer, eat burritos, and don’t clean your house. Cheers to your good health!
As they say, “Cleaning while you have kids is like shoveling while it is snowing.” Just wait to clean the house until the kids move out. And as you wait for that glorious day, it is a requirement to consume beer and burritos. Did you spill some rice on the floor? Leave it there. Thou shalt not clean. Wait for the mice, who your child will lure into the house with cookies.
April 10th: National Siblings Day
This is a day to celebrate that your children don’t get along. A day of remembrance for all of the fights you have broken up. Why are we fighting over who gets to go potty first? Why are you upset that your sibling is playing with a toy that nobody cared about two minutes ago?
Instagram will be covered with loving pictures of siblings, but remember, Instagram isn’t reality. Go around the table and share your favorite memory of sibling love: When the older sibling met their younger sibling for the first time and demanded that you send the baby back, the time child A ended up at the ER after child B slammed the door on their finger, or the toilet argument that led to two children using the toilet at the same time. It will be a real tear-jerker, and not in the inspirational kind of way.
April 15th: National Laundry Day
This is a day to celebrate the chore you will never catch up on. Here’s to celebrating the mountains of laundry that await you each day. Didn’t you wash all of the towels yesterday? Yes, but you missed the “Every family member will use five towels per day” memo. Decorate the house with all of the different stain removers that you have bought, clumping them in trios on all of your end tables. None of them work, of course, but it’s the hope that counts.
This is a day of remembrance for that one time you washed a load of whites with a cherry chapstick. Remembrance for that one load each week that you forget to transfer to the dryer in a timely manner, leaving the washing machine with the persistent scent of mildew. Remembrance for all of the times a disposable diaper (hopefully clean) was put into the laundry hamper and washed, leaving mounds of a snow-ish substance, covering entire loads of laundry.
Finally, remember all the socks without matches. Where their partners went, you will never know. RIP MIA socks!
April 21st: National Kindergarten Day
The day when we celebrate the brave souls who teach kindergarten. Because who in their right mind, voluntarily agrees to spend 8 hours of their day surrounded by 20+ five-year-olds? Some who aren’t potty trained, others, who puke on their desks in the middle of class? HEROES.
A moment of silence, please. Bow your heads and pray for their sanity, that they might have the strength to endure untold horrors (puke-covered desks) and the courage to show up to work each day.
April 30th: Honesty Day
This is a day to drop all of your truth bombs on unsuspecting people. No need to have a long and windy intro, just cut to the chase. In case you are looking for inspiration on which sorts of truths to unleash, the topics I plan to address on this day include:
To my kids- Babies do not come out of butts, they actually come out of vaginas. Sorry, your question threw me off guard, and I panicked. It did feel like you came out of my butt, so it wasn’t entirely a lie.
To my husband- Two weeks ago, when our child dropped her ice cream on a disgusting patch of pavement, I picked it up and handed it back to her. I am pleased to inform you that two weeks have passed, and she is still alive, so I can now confess my sin. The truth is, I was too lazy to walk back into the ice cream shop and get her another one. The good news is that I saved money, and this probably helped her immune system. You’re welcome.
As you celebrate these April holidays, pat yourself on the back. 98% of parents don’t even know that these holidays exist. Whether you celebrate one or all, you are among the top 2% of parents. These holidays provide a great excuse for missing that PTA meeting or the birthday party that is bound to be hellish. Crack open the beer, unhinge your jaw for that burrito, and have the best April ever!