What’s Your Epic Mom Fail?

The average week as a parent has its moments, of clarity and insanity, which inevitably leads to an epic mom fail. Here’s one of mine!

by Kimberly Pangaro

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The average week as a parent has its moments, of clarity and insanity, which inevitably leads to epic mom fails. Add in a lack of sleep for days on end and there’s bound to be some catastrophic tales of how we failed our children and ourselves. Case in point, a charcoal hoo-ha! If that’s not an epic mom fail, I don’t know what it is.

How Does A Charcoal Hoo-Ha Happen?

After a week long, barrage of sleepless nights, my mornings were extremely hazy. Each day was more of a blur than the last. Four nights in a row and the eyelids were stuck in their place.

I could barely open them up when the alarm would go off. It was like one of my kids tried pranking me by using Elmer’s Glue to glue my eyelids shut.

Now, before I tell you what happened next, let me add a mini warning. It’s a very graphic tale and not for the faint of heart, even though I’m looking back and laughing as I write it because it’s really funny now.

In every stage of a woman’s life, we go through stuff. We go through serious stuff!

The older we get, the crazier our hormones get. We get moody, we suffer from severe bouts of insanity and we do the weirdest and craziest things from flashing total strangers to getting drunk in people’s basements, to smoking cigarettes, painting our nails black and piercing our bodies with holes and ugly looking jewelry like horns and glow-in-the-dark hoops. We are constantly going through phases of finding ourselves.

Motherhood is no different and is definitely not without its surprises. We can all agree on that. Well, after giving birth to my third daughter, one of those surprises was Cystic Vaginal Acne, better known as Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS).

Whenever I have a flare-up of this newly found surprise, I use a lubricant barrier. This is helpful especially during the summer months where the flare-ups are frequent.

Enter my morning bathroom routine for the summer months. Each morning, I wake up and use the loo, place a cotton panty liner in my undies, and use a Q-Tip to put the ointment on my hoo-ha. Remember when I said I had lost sleep for four nights in a row? That 5th morning was my epic mom fail!

My eyes were so tired I could barely see anything and instead of placing the Aquaphor ointment down there, I accidentally placed a Q-tip filled with charcoal toothpaste in the area you least expect to ever do so!

At first, I didn’t notice anything, so I pulled my undies back up and began brushing my teeth with… you guessed it, charcoal toothpaste!

About thirty seconds later, my *ahem* area started to tingle, then burned slightly, and then it felt like someone lit me on fire! I pulled my panties down only to find the black goo I had carefully put on moments earlier.

As fast as I could, I jumped into the shower while screaming in pain. My husband ran into the bathroom wondering if I had fallen in the toilet. The eruptions of his laughter were not helpful when he found the toothpaste smeared all over my vajayjay.

And that is how I ended up with the funniest and most painful epic mom fail to date. Nowadays, it certainly gives me a deep laugh when I think of how dumb a move I made.

In Conclusion

I learned an extremely valuable lesson from this whole charcoal toothpaste hoo-ha error- I better make sure my eyes are actually open when I do my morning routine. The second lesson I learned- never put charcoal anything down there, ever again!

This whole epic mom fail has me thinking, “There must be others out there who have had an epic mom fail that they laugh about, too.” I’d love to hear some of them. Share them with me on my Instagram @atomic_mommy.

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