Neuralink will be useful for moms, too. If you’re skeptical, check out all the funny and valuable ways this mom postulates Neuralink could be used for.
by Laura Onstot |
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Dear Elon Musk,
I am excited to see that your Neuralink device is making it’s way toward market. I understand that you are aiming to cure paralysis and blindness with this brain-computer interface. And these are valuable goals. But as you await FDA approval to begin human research, I urge you to consider adding functionality to your Neuralink device with the aim of curing, “Mom Brain.” 100% of mothers live with this affliction each and every day.
While I am no scientist, I imagine Neuralink is like a phone, in that you can download different programs to best suit the user. To make things easier for your team, I’ve outlined different functionalities that those who suffer from Mom Brain would appreciate.
NeuraMom would be a basic program that assists the mom brain in functioning. It will stop parents from calling their child by their sibling’s name. It will give them the energy to leap out of bed whenever the alarm goes off with a pep in their step, moving with the vitality of a prancerciser.
This app will remind parents of people’s names as they see them approaching, so they can avoid the awkward, “Heyyyy, how are ya!” It reminds them of library due dates, and never leaves them questioning what is for dinner. Parents will magically know what food their child is going to like on each particular day, making it possible to avoid the frustrating, “I wanted a yogurt, but definitely not the yogurt you brought me, and now I’m so pissed, I don’t even want yogurt anymore, I just want any snack that we don’t have in our house” situation.
NeuraCensor catches parents before they swear in front of their child, and instead, just makes a censored “beep” come out of their mouth. This is a particularly useful skill for the swear words that slip out unintentionally, like when they drop things, or notice a police car behind them, or realize the chicken nuggets are burning in the oven.
“Oh, BEEP, I forgot to switch the laundry 4 weeks ago, and now I must throw all of these clothes away!”
With Neuralarm, parents can program alarms to go off in their brain to remind them of things, like say, remembering to pick up their child from school. This functionality is particularly game-changing for all the moms who can’t hide that their BEEP isn’t together. No one else will be aware of these alarms, unlike days of old:
Karen: Why is your phone alarm going off?
Mom: So I remember to pick up my kid from school!
Karen: Moms forget their own children?
Every day, Karen, every day.
Neur-maste will give parents the patience required to answer unlimited “why” questions, keep it together while their children argue over the pink cup, and find the chips in the pantry for their spouse. While Neur-maste will provide them with ample patience for *most situations, we recommend that they upgrade to Neur-maste Plus to remain zen during the bedtime routine, or for a call with their internet service provider. Namaste.
Some people may critique Neuralink as having the capability to brainwash people, but if that could convince me that doing the dishes is as enjoyable as napping or eating Oreos… I’m here for it.
Neuraclean will inspire parents across the world to put down that bag of Cheetos and start scrubbing the kitchen floor. Tasks that were once annoying will become pleasurable. Their houses will sparkle, baseboards will gleam, and there won’t be dust on top of their refrigerator.
NeuraHomework Help will offer different packages for purchase, such as first-grade math. Once the parent downloads the package, they will be capable of helping their child with their math homework. They will even be capable of solving the train problems. You know, the one where one train is going north at 50mph, and another train is going south at 89 mph, and one train is carrying apples, and the other is carrying pineapples, and one train is red and the other train is blue, and when, pray tell, will the trains intersect paths?
With NeuraHomework Help, parents will be able to guide their child to the correct answer, rather than telling them to write, “No one takes the train anymore, so who the BEEP cares.”
In this program, parents can pick which parenting style they’d like to use to raise their children. It will then guide their brain to make appropriate parenting decisions. Parenting style options will include: crunchy mama, positive parenting, free-range, Joanna Gaines, survival of the fittest, and more!
Their brain will automatically know which decisions it needs to make depending on the parenting style they’ve chosen. If they choose free range, they may be inspired to throw honey-nut cheerios into the yard and encourage their children to peck their breakfast from the ground. Joanna Gaines style parenting would probably mean living in a perfectly decorated house and keeping a little she-shed in the backyard where the children can live, so as not to mess up their chic decor. Obviously the Joanna Gaines style package would include knowledge on how to make homemade biscuits.
Neuralink has the potential to change the lives of countless mothers…
That is, if Elon Musk takes any of my suggestions. Until then mamas, hang tight. There is hope. Maybe Neuralink won’t be developed to combat Mom Brain, but at least if you are desperate and rich enough, you can go to the moon on a SpaceX rocket to escape your family.